The Crooked Cockroach

Hope

Posted in Uncategorized by cready on September 30, 2009

For the first time of my three years here, I’m feeling I’m running out of time.

As they often say, its a ‘race against time’. Is it a race against will? Honestly, I don’t know. Its so maddening right now that I don’t even have a half an hour to write a nice post about such an interesting topic. But its also so sickening that I’m revolting against time, common sense and every damn thing around and writing something here, spending precious time. You know why? Because it just gives me peace of mind. This writing break makes me feel as if I’m starting all over from zero. And believe it or not, its a good feeling.

I don’t know when I’ll be back here. I don’t know what the future has in store for me. Its hard to make out a melody out of all this noise around. But I hope. I hopeĀ  like an eternal optimist. My hope is as carefree as a young kid running wildly in the countryside against the mighty wind, completely oblivious and innocent to what lays in front of him. I hope like a despaired farmer who looks at his barren, dry land and then up there towards the scotching sun in the hope that the rain Gods will finally smile upon him. I hope in spite of knowing that it can drive a man to insanity. My hope is much like a baby’s inhibition-less nap. I hope with such addiction which only a drunkard would know. I hope my future will be as sweet as I have smiled upon in my dreams.

But most of all, I hope because in spite of a few minor hiccups, I know I’m a good person and if at all somebody is there up there, He will not punish me with something which I don’t deserve.

May the stars shine upon me.

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Boobs

Posted in Uncategorized by cready on September 26, 2009

Friends, today I’m going to tell you the story of an aashique. I met him two years ago on our first day in college and days have passed by since that first awkward “Hello”. In a few months from now, I know we’ll be choosing different directions. But each day that I’ve known him, I’ve learned a bit more about romance. Now I know the mischievous moron in you will want to conclude that this story is a naughty romance between me and him, but no matter how gay it sounds, it’s not about us. Even if ultimately experts deduce some gay-ish undertones in this writing, believe you me, two years in the company that I have around me right now ought to bring some change in my writing style if not my lifestyle.

I’ve never known love. I don’t know what it is like to be with a woman and often, I’m pushed by my magnificent fate to rely on imagination. And so, no matter how cruel it sounds, I hope most of you too are alone like me. It gives me a much deserved solace. If not my own life, my great aashique friend has time and again given me a glimpse into the life of a real Romeo. Its one thing to read about great love stories in novels, and its another thing to experience it. But when fate is sad like mine is, even a friend like aashique is a God send – its a very different experience to know love through a friend. And so for the benefit of the single losers among you, I’m going to tell you my friend’s love story.

You know, great authors and poets out there will paint you the picture that a true lover is a born casanova. But my aashique dost was never like that when I first met him. He was almost womanly coy and totally an adarsh bachaa in the eyes of any parent who knew him. But while I whined about my overhwelmingly male surrounding, he did the right thing. He found himself love – and thankfully, the love of a woman. Plus, he had, what a man would identify as boobs, but what only a woman would identify as man-breasts. Its mean to say it, but all people here playfully tease him and touch them thanks to the absence of real ones. I know he likes people touching his gorgeous assets, but now that he’s in love, he just won’t admit it. Infidelity has become a strict ‘no-no’ for him. Over the months, the guy who almost always stayed shy metamorphosed into this aashique that not just us, but no batch in the last ten years here had ever seen. In my eyes, the aashique has become some sort of legend – a man with mystical powers to make any female go weak in her knees.

As I was saying, his mobile phone which previously was witness to only drab calls started enjoying itself to the sweet chirpy female voices from the other end. The aashique began to be seen with his phone everywhere – lying on the ground in front of his room with his luscious hair gracing the floor, on his friends’ beds scrubbing his tummy casually, sitting on the katta outside the hostel gazing at the empty sky above, in the college bus enjoying the romance alongside the warm afternoon wind…and even in the toilet! He became first an inspiration to the men around and later a source of envy as to how he could be so smooth. We the beasts tried to harass him and teased him incessantly by prying on his calls and even tried calling his lady love from our phones, but his prowess rested unmatched. That smile..that giggle..it was just unbeatable! The aashique who previously sang songs purely for platonic reasons now began humming romantic tunes in memory of his janemann. Soon, janemann became cutee pie and sooner she became ‘butter scotch’. These days, whenever aashique goes on an ice-cream trip, its just amusing to see how he unfailingly has the Butter Scotch scoop as if it were some religious thing. Such geheraa is his love for his janemann. This man who previously used to stare at perplexing equations hours on end now gazes romantically at her picture on his computer screen. He has even became conscious of his looks – once upon a time he was this barbarous Tarzan with unkempt, long hair and now he gets conscious every single time someone were to click a picture. A few times I also saw him complaining about his tummy.

No wonder someone rightly said, “Pyaar aadmi ko andhaa banaa deta hai“…Love was in the air..

And then, a major thing happened one day. While speaking on the phone with his janemann one day, she invited him to come visit her. At first he was exhilarated. This was the first time they were gonna become serious face-to-face. While it sent a pleasant shiver down his spine when he first heard those words, the magnanimity of what he had just committed struck him only after he had finished all the sweet phone talk. By all means it wasn’t a fucking joke. His head began spinning with all sorts of puzzles as to what he should wear, what gift he should buy for her, how he should treat her friends and so on…for a moment, he almost went nuts. Then came ‘we’ to the rescue. After all, what are friends for? “Take this. This..this will give you confidence”, bhaiyaa uttered patting his back encouragingly placing a pack of condoms in the aashique‘s hands. “Bhaiyaa, usne pappi di to bhi bahut hoga“, he uttered blushingly over his vibrating tummy, his goose-bumps almost apparent. Well yes – that was his dream. He had given her a jhappi so many times on the phone and now, he just wanted the real thing. After all, what’s love without a kiss? A kiss was to be the manifestation of their love for each other. He was so desperate and nervous for that perfect pappi that before leaving, he went wild and even tried practicing his kissing technique on the bushy faces around.

Finally, the day of his leaving arrived. The entire boy crowd came to bid him good luck. It was a very emotional moment. The badey bhaiyaa hugged him teary eyed and told him to return with head held high. All the others also hugged him, pulled his cheeks and told him it was a matter of pride for single men all over. With determination in his head, love in his heart and passion in his loins, the aashique set sail for the greatest romance ever told.

Well, my friends, that is all I know as a fact. I saw all of this. What happened there is what I’m about to tell you now, but I was not a witness to it. So you got to believe the aashique’s version for this.
The moment he set foot on his janemann‘s city, it was like a dream for him. They went to the Mall, they watched movies and also had a very romantic aankho-mein-aankhe dinner at a fab restaurant. She then took him over to a hill behind her hostel at night where they lay on the grass gazing at the magnificent sky. They sang the usual songs and danced and so on. They did all the hero-heroine things – except that one thing. Bhaiyaa‘s teary face always kept haunting him every time he came within striking distance of her lips. He felt her warm hands, smelt her dashing hair and looked into her dark, dense eyes. But her lips always, always remained elusive. He tried very hard to muster the nerve to make the first move, but his damning girly boobs always got in the way.

Finally, the day to leave dawned. His janemann came to bid him good-bye on the station. Dressed in the dress that he had given her as a gift, she looked just stunning. The tension was so immense that while janemann was absolutely vulnerable, all our aashique could think while looking down at his boobs was how sad a person he was. He kept thinking of how he had chickened out like a girl. No wonder God had given him girly boobs. The condom, bhaiyaa‘s tears, his friends’ hugs…all that kept spinning in his head. Terribly disappointed with himself, he bid an emotional janemann good-bye.

“Wait!”, exclaimed janemann just as he turned around. The love had poured over – but the story wasn’t yet finished. Racing towards him, she leaped into his arms – before he could say anything, before he could care about the on-lookers around, she pressed her luscious lips onto his. The tension had been broken. The inhibitions were now history.

And in that passionate hug, their boobs got pressed against each other. They had finally proclaimed their love for each other.

Thankfully, it was a rapturous ending.

Moral of the story? The girl took the call. The girl should always take the call. You know why? Because while God gave real breasts to girls, our aashique had a mere set of fake boobs.

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Twitter-o-“Tom..Tom..Tom!..Tom!!……”

Posted in Uncategorized by cready on September 18, 2009

Oh my God! I can’t imagine I did not see this live on television. You must have heard about the entire Shashi Tharoor-cattle class-Twitter controversy by now. This post is about that. Well, I’m not going to put my views about whether Mr. Tharoor was insensitive or not while calling economy class travelers ‘cattle class’, but I found this gem of a Times Now debate on Amit Varma‘s [the guy with the glasses among the panelists] blog about the entire controversy and whether it was being blown out of proportion.

Its an absolute delight to see Arnab Goswami [the anchor] go “Tom..Tom..Tom..Tom!..Tom!!” some ten-fifteen times as if Tom Vadakkan were his pyaari billi. The helplessness in Tom’s non-stop chatter made me laugh like crazy when I watched it.

And here’s the second part of the debate. This is even more ridiculous. Tommy boy tells Arnab that he feels Twitter is a ‘lonely man who needs counseling’. WTF?

Let me tell you something: I did a little research after you phoned me, to find out what is the basic cause for this tweet business. Some of the survey reports that I received was Tweet is a very lonely man, and he needs counseling.


If this performance was after his ‘research’, I’m just so glad he came on televesion to tell us about his findings. I don’t know whather to call Tommy a bufoon or a genius.

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Greed….makes you foolish?

Posted in Uncategorized by cready on September 17, 2009

The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed — for lack of a better word — is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms — greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge — has marked the upward surge of mankind.

—— Gordon Gekko (Wall Street 1987)

Wall StreetWhen I first saw Wall Street last year, and when I heard Michael Douglas uttering those true but evil words, I was left spell-bound [you can have a look at that iconic dialogue here]. It set me thinking. And no matter what you argue, it is true. September 14th marked the one year anniversary of the fall of Lehman Brothers. I have been following this entire crisis and its fall-out like a cold-blooded stalker and I wanted to write something about this for quite some time, but the content of this post finally set me writing. By the way, if you’re a Wall Street fan or a person directly or indirectly hurt by the financial crisis, let me tell you that Oliver Stone is coming up with a sequel to Wall Street which is going to be all about the greed on Wall Street and last year’s meltdown.

Anyhow, President Obama made a speech [1,2,3] on Wall Street on the first anniversary of Lehman’s collapse a few days ago and specifically aimed that greed everyone keeps talking about. Critics have panned the speech and have questioned the actual actions taken as opposed to the fancy words of Obama. In a way, I think its right. There is no point just making philosophical statements and not doing what actually needs to be done. There is plenty of abundance of motivational speakers etc. throughout the world and looking at Mr. Obama’s oratory skills, I have no doubt he’ll make a fortune as a speaker once he steps down as President [like what most Presidents do!]. What needs to be done right now is the execution of some serious proposals.

In light of my previous statement, very few steps have actually been taken to correct the mistakes that happened and punish/restrain the guilty whose actions almost literally brought down mighty America. Here is one NY Times op-ed that discusses what actually needs to be done [if you’re a financial markets fanatic, do not miss this] to avoid a repeat.

But what is more shocking is that not one of the chiefs of the rescued [giant] banks was there for the President’s Wall Street visit-cum-speech. You might say that they were purposefully not invited by White House as a mark of rebuttal. Maybe, but I really don’t believe Obama wouldn’t give a speech to the villains in their face and choose to have them watch it on television from their offices. Could they not spare some time for the Government who saved them from near extinction? In this article by Simon Johnson, a professor of Entrepreneurship at M.IT’s Sloan School of Management, he discusses how the bosses of Wall Street have shown a repeat of their reckless behavior. The Wall Street Journal seconds this opinion here.

Maybe the reason why they have been so reckless is because they truly believe next time something like this happens, the common tax payers’ money will come rushing to their rescue once again. I guess it is this ‘we are too big to fail’ American phenomena that is keeping them relaxed. And it makes sense too. Why else did the Government step in to stem the stench this time? Because it knew that if it did not act, the repercussions were going to be unimaginable.

What the dudes seem to have forgotten is that in spite of all the safety measures, America did let Lehman fail. Only then did it step up its gears. Lehman [then the 4th largest bank in U.S] had gone to them begging for money and they were denied aid. Who knows who it will be next if such a situation arises? If the chiefs of these banks are so stupid to not attend such an important event and make it glaringly obvious and arrogant in the eyes of the public, I just hope they do get a severe punishment for their indifference and casual laid back attitude in some way or the other.

Because greed might have marked the upward surge of mankind, but plain foolishness should and definitely will not.

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Austerity for future prosperity?

Posted in Uncategorized by cready on September 16, 2009

That’s the question I’ve been wondering about ever since news about VIPs going on an austerity drive came hit the headlines a couple of days back. First it started with the FM asking Shashi Tharoor and SM Krishna to vacate their plush 5-star accommodations in the capital and move to more modest settings. It was clarified by Mr. Tharoor later on his Twitter page that he was paying from his own pocket for it. Well, if he says so, we ought to believe the dude. Then came the PM’s and ‘Soniaji‘s’ call to ministers to practice restraint in such difficult economic times coupled with a very bad monsoon. ‘Soniaji’ made headlines for traveling economy class. Then the prince betaa Rahul himself traveled by train on a Shatabdi. The funny part is his train was pelted on its way to its destination! You might say it was just a co-incidence. I say it serves right for such cheap gimmicks. Seems like austerity is the new ‘in’ word for the political class. Actually, I didn’t even know what the word meant until this media mania started a few days ago. Kudos to the Gandhis of modern India and their followers who seem to be following only Gandhian principles these days. I wonder if they suddenly have forgotten the ways of making a quick buck by jumping into politics. So much so for the surname! You must be knowing of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s oh-so-famous Art of Living [AOL] movement. These days I wonder if the Family should actually renunciate politics altogether and start an Art of Renunciation [AOR!] course for all wannabe politicians. Anyways, people call Rahul Gandhi as Rahul baba. All now is left is to don on a dhoti, grow a meter-long beard, look around with an air of enlightenment and roam the country giving precious tips.

If my above utterances haven’t yet made it clear to you as to what stance I’m taking, here it is in blunt words : This is a cheap gimmick to gain publicity and sympathy. Plain and simple. Do not pretend to be saints when you’re not. As the title of this post suggests, this is just a way for future prosperity. When you loot public money by making shady deals here and there, where does your austerity go? When you let your supportes splurge insane amount of money on putting up posters of you in every nook and corner, where does your sympathy for the general class vanish? What about the hundreds of hours you guys waste in Parliament bickering clumsily that even kindergarten kids will find immature? People pay their money for you to be there and it costs crores of Rupees to run even one session of Parliament. What about the cash you morons divert to bribe over rival MPs in difficult times? You might warm your tushy on a questionable train seat or travel economy class directionlessly a thousand times over the country. Who cares? As this Indian Express report states, you guys are awefully smart when it comes to renovating your offices. Ya, its common sense after all – the train journey is going to last only for a couple of hours, but the seats in your to-be-renovated offices will last for five years and by doing this austeriy drama, you’ll want your delicate bottoms for another five years up there.

I’m not paranoid about Indian politicians and their ways. We have certainly elected them and they definitely should get some sort of exclusive treatment. But the tamasha that has been going on right now is just another way to fool the public. More than a decade ago, the then PM VP Singh had grabbed headlines for shunning air travel and had instead chosen to travel by road in the capital. The downshot of that was that since he was PM, roads had to be blocked for his safe passage through the city making the general public wait for hours on end for roads to clear out. What’s happening now is not very different from then. If you’re so bothered about the poor, why the empathy now? The poor were always poor and many will die poor. True, by these cost-cutting measures, you’re saving at least some tax money. But why the sudden surge of sainthood? Or were you blissfully ignorant about people’s problems up until now? In today’s world, somehow it has become fashionable to have double standards. You’ll sacrifice something only to later go on a roof top and shout out to the world as to how great you are.

To conclude, I embed here a video of another of our ‘worthy’ MPs, Jaya Prada, traveling in a bullock cart through a flooded area a few days back. Its just insanely WTF-ing hilarious to watch her shriek out like a little girl. In the end she promises to make a road in that area, thanks to her ‘terrifying’ experience.

I suggest we make all politicians go through such a similar routine so that they will realize the real problems and work their asses off to serve the people.

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