The Crooked Cockroach

The pooper – Part I

Posted in Uncategorized by cready on November 4, 2009

The hostel my friends, has a lovely pooper
It poops here; it poops there
It poops every-damn-where

It poops in people’s room; it poops on the volley ball ground
On frantic searching it is never to be found

The pooper is a pain; O what a shame!
Not knowing where to drain, it makes me want to whip it with a cane

Now tell me, with all the filthy smell, wouldn’t you want to be cruel?
Sadly you can’t do anything
‘coz the pooper has the tiny office lady’s solid backing

Sometimes my friends, with great confusion I wonder
If life due to this pooper has become a big blunder
So, I think its time to flex the arm
Before this place becomes a s******g farm

Arise! Awake! And fight back
‘coz pooping randomly isn’t any average Joe’s knack

If on reading the above ‘poem’ you haven’t gotten who all I’m trying to poke, it’s only because you’re not part of the place where I’m staying right now. So, to enlighten the ignorant [and logically the lucky – for having escaped the wrath of the demoniac pooping cats] among you about the latest problem in my life [ya, ya, I know I get obsessed with the pettiest of matters], here it is in simple words:

There’s a lady. She has a billi. No, not one actually, she has the daddy, mommy, three-four kittens, their grand dad, grand mom, aunt, uncle…the whole damn package. But every story should have a central character, right? So for this story, I’ll make this ‘one billi‘  the hero of my kahaani. And what does our hero do? He poops in a devil-may-care manner wherever he finds suitable. Now each member of this family tree poops, but I’m having so much trouble tracking one billi‘s poop that I’ll just pile it all up on our hero itself. Surprisingly, he never finds the lady’s room poop-worthy; I don’t know why. Is it because it is so damn yuck that makes even the pooper go pink with blushes? Or is it genuine respect for the lady and her personal space? Now that is one tough question I’ll leave you to ponder over.

Now, I’ve been staying here for a couple of years and dozens of students have come and gone past. But never did we see any woman. Me and my closest buddies always used to feel how barren this place was with respect to the factor of women. It felt like a jail of some kind, some sort of emotional torture. And when I used to see these pictures of my male friends back home cuddling all these women on social networking sites, it used to end up wondering where did it all go so wrong for me. It was in those desperate, wretched moments that an atheist like me used to pray to God and beg for a little mercy.

The Almighty finally heard my plea – and gifted me and my buddies with the lady. Little did we know that what was coming along was also an avalanche of poop. The first few days and months went nicely; everything was lovey-dovey. We flirted; the lady flirted back. We laughed; the lady laughed along with us. Life was a fairy tale. My faith in God slowly but finally began getting restored.

But the damn cats came along soon. The irony of this story is that the hero billi himself is the villain. Actually the lady didn’t bring them from outside, but they were adopted from the original Godfather of the cats, Mr. Apa, when he left about a year ago. Now, don’t even get me started where this bizarre name comes from – that can spawn a whole new story in itself. I don’t know what the Godfather Apa is up to these days, except I saw him roaming the hallowed corridors of my hostel a few days back with a nicely grown beard [looking much like a cat with whiskers himself].

As I was saying, the cats came along.

Now we are finally ready to embark upon the Adventures of the Lady and the Billi in the magical land of My Hostel. I have a lot to tell you, but I’ll just save it up for my next post. So, far I’ve established the history of the cats and this might seem an abrupt ending, but I guess you should also get used to billis and their antics like we guys did, isn’t it? I promise I’ll be back with a lot of s*** for you to read.

Till then, keep wondering what if the Lady had taught the cats to do ‘it’ this way –

The cat's gotta poop

I never would have come up with this story [:)]. It’s sad that cat lovers don’t have even this amount of common sense.

Maha Purush…the Indian “Super” “Man”

Posted in Uncategorized by cready on November 2, 2009

Not much to write here; I know the awesomeness of this video will render my writing about it totally worthless. Just see the video, and I know you too will agree.

After watching this, I hope you too will have developed a newfound respect for Govinda [like me]. No wonder he became a Lok Sabha MP [ = ‘Maha Purush’ again!] from Virar after the 2004 general elections.

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The God of all monkeys..

Posted in Uncategorized by cready on October 29, 2009

For a long time, I was in the search for the male version of Rakhi Sawant.

KRK Recently, Kamal Rashid Khan [left] and a certain ‘pretty’ designer Rohit Verma [right] came close to that after their ‘beautiful’ spat [believe me, its like watching Bruno on television when you see Mr. Verma] under Big Boss’s watch. You can watch that video here.

So was Chand Mohammed [below, right] on my list, the ex-vice-CM of Haryana who made a big tamasha of his pyaar for Fiza [next to him], but she clearly took away his thunder later by going on TV and speaking about her suicidal plans. ChanduMany guys, hunks and non-females came close to being numero uno on my list, but then, yesterday I found Guddu Rangila [below], the God of all these monkeys. Who could be better at that than apna babu, diamond singer, flamboyant Guddu Rangila? Watch him shake his hips in the video below [If you don’t understand the lyrics, never mind. I too didn’t understand. But the moron’s 7 min. act was completely worth it]. Just blew me away! Uski kamar kya hilaata hai! Aur uske leherate baalwah! wah!

baap hai yaar!

Apparently, this guy is some sort of Elvis of the Bhojpuri sangeet duniya and this song is very famous [for a regional language song, ~1,00,000 hits on youtube is no mean achievement]. Anybody got a spare mirror and a comb for our dashing dude?

Now, a vote of thanks to bhaiyaa for showing me this amazing piece of s***.

It’s guys like Guddu [duh, I’m thinking of calling my kid that now – imagine calling out to chotu Guddu while reading the newspaper in the morning] who’s ‘art’ makes my hopeless life worth living. Rock on, fatso!!

And for the guys who know who Swarnava is, I bet you’ll agree that there’s their faces have an uncanny resemblance.

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Ten observations

Posted in Uncategorized by cready on October 25, 2009

A few quick observations –

1] Dialogue –
Jeetendra : Chot lagi? [Did you get hurt?]
J(o)ya : haan [Yes]
Jeetendra : Kahaan? [Where?]
J(o)ya : bataa nahi sakti..[oops, I can’t tell you..]
The way she joyfully frolics around later made me feel as if she’s actually trying to seduce him by the raunchy ‘bataa nahi sakti..‘ line.

2] Lyrics –
Ooi amma
Ooi amma

Ooi amma
Ooi amma
Mushkil yeh kya ho gayi
Tere badan mai..toofan ootha toh
saadi hawa ho gayi…!
Based on this, I feel in this movie either Jeetendra is playing the role of a sexually frustrated a-hole seeing a woman after a long time or the writer of this song was going through a really rough phase in his marriage when he penned this.

3] Jeetendra’s outfit looks like a jogging suit.

4] Both dance with indescribable elegance.

5] From 0.51 to 0.54, it seems like he’s humping her.

6] Jayaprada keeps making orgasmic sounds throughout the song, albeit in a musical way [No wonder why].

7] Both are excellent at running around. Young people should take inspiration from them.

8] As opposed to the opinion of many ‘experts’, boobs were always a critical part of Indian movies [:O].

9] All Jayas in this world are comical. Its actually a boon, as I see it.

10] I’m so jobless right now [:(]

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The other Jaya

Posted in Uncategorized by cready on October 11, 2009

jaya-sawantRecognize this giantess? Well, how about a hint – her name’s Jaya. Not the Jaya-LOL-ita whom we all know rather well, although one might easily mistake her thanks to the LOL quotient [and obviously her girth], but the other Jaya – Jaya Sawant.

Still not got it? Well, she’s the senior Sawant, the lesser idiotic of the two Sawants of India [I hope she takes this as a compliment rather than an offense after considering her wonderful achievements]. But if I say she is the ‘maker’ of the other Sawant, the more idiotic, the wonderfully twisted Royal Highness Queen Rakhi, I bet she’ll be bloody mad at me. Come on, which mother would like it if we were to call her the ‘maker of a big idiot’?

But I just can’t help but give her such glowing tributes. Sometime, some day, you ought to take credit for your creativity, isn’t it? What’s the point of being an anonymous sucker [like me [;)]] when clearly today’s society worships the ones without even an ounce of shame or common sense? Want to earn a few quick bucks? Go on a reality TV show [read : Big Boss 3], hop around like a monkey without giving a damn about your radius [or diameter or volume], sing like an insane donkey and plot like a manipulator that never was!

That’s right. While beti Rakhi made a ‘fortune’ [WTF?] out of reality shows and naked item numbers, so much so that she thought she was perfect for the Indian male to have her own oh-so-famous swayamvar, the mother sulked that dear daughter was slipping out of her hands and becoming too selfish. Or was it the other way round? That’s the question the choti Sawant tries to settle in this interview to some God-knows-who dumb-ass TV channel. Watch out for the part where she proclaims of herself being a ‘sone ki andaa dene wali murgi‘ [a gold egg laying hen] or where she spells out her vision for improving the nasty Indian politicians by dumping them all in a karyakram like Big Boss. Don’t even miss where she philosophizes about how Big Boss is a ‘training centre’ for zindagi and its ups and downs.

I just couldn’t get enough of this Sawant’s nautanki and nakhras. And so I decided to focus my attention on the woman who made her. As mentioned above, Jaya aunty participated in the 3rd version of Big Boss. The reason for participation? Well, she wanted to patch things up with her estranged daughter. Here’s a promo of her for the programme –

Her chubbiness rather than her daughter saga filled me with pity. People say that the means ofcommunication have made the world smaller today. But I’m guessing this maa-beti jodi believes in using them in exactly the opposite way when they want to talk to each other. Sadly, the maa of Indian clowndom got evicted in the first week itself. Read this detailed report on that. Apparently auntyji is sad that the other girls [rather the bitches] misbehaved with her on the show. I quote her directly for there :

The girls didn’t behave well with me at all. They used to talk in English in front of me despite knowing that I don’t understand the language and then used to make fun of me and laugh at me, I didn’t like it at all. Once I had to ask the audience to vote for me. So Vindu (Vindu Dara Singh) told me I should sit in front of the camera and ask for votes in Marathi. And when I did so, these girls just started laughing. Later, they said that it seemed like I was chanting – Bhaaji lelo, bhaaji lelo (Buy vegetables). That time I started crying. I came on the show for Rakhi – so that she forgets all differences and comes back to me. I don’t even know why she stopped talking to me. But I will keep trying as long as I can. Rest, I can only wish the best for my daughter.

Man. This is the kind of insanity that could result in a legend. Indian politics has the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty and the Thakerey dynasty while Bollywood has the Bachchan Family, Kapoor khandan and so on.

If God be just and history be fair, I’d say fifty years down the line, we will have our very own Sawant dynasty for the clowns of India. Just keep hoping for a nanha Sawant from the Queen.

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